Often in a relationship, it is the hard times that make us pull closer together... or push us apart. This principal holds true in my relationship with God - except that if anyone pushes anyone away it's me, and it's always God who draws me back to Him.
This last month has been one of the most challenging in my relationship with God so far. More complications regarding Cuba have led me to question what God is doing, if can I trust Him, and I've had to battle with a lot of emotions including confusion, anger and betrayal. Ultimately it came down to this-
"Am I going to trust in the God who never changes and what He has said, or in my circumstances?"
As humans, we're not too keen on things we can't see or have physical evidence for. We like to trust in things that we can see, and touch and hold onto. We listen to those things. As Christians, and those who have the Holy Spirit indwelt within them, this is just one of the many ways in which we are meant to be different, but the doubt always has a way of creeping in and asking, "Did God really say that? He couldn't have, just look at He's allowing to happen."
And it's a valid question.
What if you made it up yourself and this isn't God's will for you at all? What if He's leading you in a completely different direction than you thought He'd said?
It's possible, and because we love God and want to serve Him, we have to ask those questions. I want to do what God wants me to do - do I hold firm to what I believe He said or roll with the circumstances?
At 5.50am on 6th February, I am flying to Quito in Ecuador. I am leaving my country, friends and family for 2 years in the knowledge that I may not get to Cuba at all. I won't go into all the details as to why because that's not really what this is about, but me getting to Cuba is now completely out of man's control and if I get there it will be because of God and He will get all of the glory. When we found out last week that I might not get any time in Cuba at all, we had legitimate reason to look at the option of pulling out completely and deciding to go to bible college instead. However, after some initial tears and a meeting at church, I felt something that I thought at one point had disappeared.
Hope.
I feel like the Isrealites, standing in front of the Red Sea. No human power is going to get them to the other side, and to the Promised Land. It looks impossible. Angus Buchan, my brother in the Lord and a man who knows a lot about faith says: "The condition for a miracle is difficulty, however the condition for a great miracle is not difficulty, but impossibilty." By bringing them to the Red Sea, God created the perfect conditions for a great miracle, one that would precede the Israelites and shake fear into those who would stand against them. God parted the waters, and the Israelites passed through and landed on the other side.
If I have to leave, not knowing if those waters will be parted, in order for God's name to be glorified then I will do it.
Some people may look upon what I'm doing and at my hope of getting to Cuba and think it foolish. "God is in control of these circumstances, He has shut the door to Cuba, why don't you just give up?"
Because I believe in what God has said to me and put in my heart over the last year, and I don't believe that He lies or changes His mind - and because if it wasn't for Him the hope that is settled deep in my heart wouldn't have survived this far.
Almost ten years ago, following the death of my Dad, my family went on our first family holiday abroad. And we went to Cuba. Amongst some other things, one of the things I brought back was this glass dolphin. It sits on a shelf above my desk and in the last week or so, as I've been moving things, it's fallen down a couple of times. Each time, panic-stricken, I quickly pick it up to check for damage and breathe a sigh of relief when I find it's not broken. Today, as I was grabbing my Spanish dictionary and grammar book to pack, I knocked off the little glass dolphin and a small snow globe that I've probably had just as long. As soon as it hit my desk, the snow globe smashed and there was glittery water all over my desk. I picked up my little dolphin and was relieved to find it had survived another fall. After cleaning up the snow globe I began to readjust my shelf to get rid of the spaces left from the books I had packed. After what could have only been ten minutes from the previous incident, I knocked over my dolphin and it hit off my desk before landing on the floor. As soon as I picked it up and found it still in perfect condition, all of a sudden I knew what God was saying to me.
Over the last year, my God-given desire and hope to serve Him in Cuba has taken beating after beating, knock after knock, and tumble after tumble. But just like my little glass dolphin, the hope is still there, in face of all the circumstances that are yelling in my ear to give it up.
When God gives us hope, it will not put us to shame.
(Romans 5:5)
